Sunday, October 23, 2011

Disgustingly Proud Houston Texans Fan

It's true, I AM disgustingly proud to be a Native Houstonian!  I don't ever apologize for the strange look I give folks that tell me they hate Houston(crazy asses) or to those that can't understand why I love it so much. 

So here I have prepared a bit of back story to help put things in perspective for you.  I was born and raised in the beautiful city of Houston, Texas.  I moved away in the mid 80's to Austin, then to Dallas(yuck) in the late 80's, then back to Houston(sigh) in the early 90's, then to San Antonio in the mid 90's, finally out to the beautiful Texas Hill Country in Spring Branch in 2004.  So clearly I have lived in every major city in Texas with the exception of El Paso (Oh Hell NO, it rains dirt there) and Corpus Christi (I spent nearly every summer as a kid).  I  am spreading the Gospel of The Houston Texans across the land.

Each of those places has special memories for me, and yes, even Dallas although it pains me to admit it.  You see, here's the thing, when you are born in Houston, you are born slightly different genetically than the rest of the state.  It's true.  The pregnancies there are altered shortly after conception.  This is especially true when the child is conceived by a mother and/or father that is a native Houstonian.  Each night during the mother's pregnancy, the child is whispered to in the womb "Dallas sucks...Dallas sucks...Dallas sucks".  Therefore, and I can speak from experience, during childbirth each baby emerges into this beautiful world hating the Dallas Cowboys!  Our babies rooms were painted Oiler blue, even the girls and the most popular lullaby was "Love Ya Blue".  And each small child is bequeathed a Dallas Cowboy voodoo doll and we are rewarded on special occasions with shiny bright and very sharp hat pins that come with strict instructions for their use with our doll.  And it is known across the land that the Astrodome is in fact The Eight Wonder of the World.  

So as we grow, as children we are taught that we will run across certain types of people that did not have the same fortune as us.  They are different sorts, bless their hearts, and they for some ungodly reason or genetic flaw, they like the Dallas Cowboys.  Poor things, they just don't understand that it was just some catching marketing ploy. They actually believed this "America's Team" crap.  You know who you are, God will forgive you if you REPENT NOW, renounce those idiots.  There is light, a gorgeous light, that shines forth from the helmets of the Houston Texans team and you can see it clearly from Reliant Stadium!! Yes, we have grown from the world's first domed stadium(the Astrodome) to Reliant Stadium, the world's first retractable roof, air-conditioned, natural grass football field, God has truly blessed us. REPENT, REPENT, REPENT, the season is not over.

And so by the time we mature into adults we Houstonians have prepared. We understand there are unenlightened souls, dead souls even, that drank that evil Dallas Cowboys kool-aide.  Forgive them for they do not know that they have bought into nothing more than an effective, but old worn out marketing scheme.  You will recognize them, they stick out like sore thumbs.  Typically dressed in undersized old Dallas Cowboys fake jerseys, with Madras plaid shorts, dark brown fuzzy socks and Hush Puppy brown leather shoes.  Sometimes disguised as a relative, your neighbor or God forbid, even your accountant!!!

Poor souls, pray for them!!  They can REPENT and cross over to the Houston Texans side now and we will welcome them with loving arms. OR THE HOUSTON TEXANS WILL BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF YOU over the course of the season!  When that time comes, and it will, you (and you know who you are) will be paying me 100 Big Ones!  A crisp 100 Dollar Bill with the words "In God We Trust" written across it, simply to remind you who you are messing with!!!!

God Bless Texas and God Bless the Houston Texans!!!!

~Leslie Michele

P.S. Just for the record, I do technically have two favorite teams ~
The Houston Texans and any team that plays the Dallas Cowboys